Don’t leave.. Everybody leaves.

“You don’t know a good thing until it’s gone.
And found something else.”

 

I must still be an adolescent, despite the adult I’ve been attempting to be. The psych module I took in year two defined the wallowing away of adolescence as when we stop having those trivial quarrels with our parents, but what if we had no one to squabble with? A huge empty space is all that’s left, after the folks have gone. It’s strange that I’ve always craved for this freedom, and now finally when I have it in my grasp, independence just doesn’t taste as palatable anymore.

Nope it’s not the chores that I actually am happy to figure out. it’s not like I’ve never lived in hall and I don’t know how to wash my clothes, It’s not like I don’t know how to cook, or I’m honestly stupid or like I’ve never helped my mom and have to start from ground zero, it’s just that I never did have to.. what really matters- their presence, but it’s hard for me to say even when I skype them because (okay this is all basics and nothing near noble), that I don’t want them to have to worry, not about me especially when they’re trying to settle down, properly in a far enough land.

Matter-of-factly, some people are simply better than others, some people are simply more adult than others, and I have to put in every extra ounce of effort to behave like an adult at work when I’m really sick inside, and still so green. If it’s any comfort, I see friends my age in the same line who just slog it through despite being terribly ill too, and worst they’ve travelled a long way from home. Inspiration. Inspirations. And if it’s any other comfort, I’ve been surviving so far. Maybe I’ll just grow used to this feelings, someone once told me that if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. everything will be okay in the end.I actually beg to differ..It’s only okay because by then we’ll be numbed to change.

This episode kinda gave me an idea of death, is this how it’s gonna be when they’re gone one day, some day? i’ve never had to wait for them, i’m always the one travelling and they’re the ones waiting for me back home. but then it’s not like i’ve not had the taste of waiting for anybody for a long time, to come back from a faraway land. And i survived that huge one already. so why does it feel so different, this time?

I’m not afraid to be alone, shop alone, eat alone, hang out alone, as I’ve done almost my whole life… some people i know are actually very afraid of that because they attach a certain stigma to it, but come on, some people are just born that way, just live that way so let them be. but this time it’s a complicated one even with awesome friends, brother, boyfriend around. I’ve always wondered how it’ll be like to be without parents when I watch those psycho movie dramas, and now I think, what the hell was I thinking?

I need jesus and I need to munch more of krispy kreme that i brought back from Aussie. Btw, I might actually want to retire there.. it’s a mix of US and Europe. Not as expensive as Europe, but with the awesome shopping likes of USA. I’m no country girl, though I find visits to the countryside immensely refreshing, cleansing, and much needed once in a long while when the city has polluted enough of us. And Aussie’s near to Asia. And they have good unemployment benefits. And they have supre, and krispy kreme- which is enough reason to move over, grow fat and die.

that said, i had awesome subway, a long walk and talk with the girls over desserts last night , after a long day of gossip girl (or pretending to study with the boy). New Zealand tmr, what adventures await?

I should begin to accept that life will not be normal, so long as I’m air-borne. Grow up, you.

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