I must still be an adolescent, despite the adult I’ve been attempting to be. The psych module I took in year two defined the wallowing away of adolescence as when we stop having those trivial quarrels with our parents, but what if we had no one to squabble with? A huge empty space is all that’s left, after the folks have gone. It’s strange that I’ve always craved for this freedom, and now finally when I have it in my grasp, independence just doesn’t taste as palatable anymore.

Nope it’s not the chores that I actually am happy to figure out. it’s not like I’ve never lived in hall and I don’t know how to wash my clothes, It’s not like I don’t know how to cook, or I’m honestly stupid or like I’ve never helped my mom and have to start from ground zero, it’s just that I never did have to.. what really matters- their presence, but it’s hard for me to say even when I skype them because (okay this is all basics and nothing near noble), that I don’t want them to have to worry, not about me especially when they’re trying to settle down, properly in a far enough land.

Matter-of-factly, some people are simply better than others, some people are simply more adult than others, and I have to put in every extra ounce of effort to behave like an adult at work when I’m really sick inside, and still so green. If it’s any comfort, I see friends my age in the same line who just slog it through despite being terribly ill too, and worst they’ve travelled a long way from home. Inspiration. Inspirations. And if it’s any other comfort, I’ve been surviving so far. Maybe I’ll just grow used to this feelings, someone once told me that if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. everything will be okay in the end.I actually beg to differ..It’s only okay because by then we’ll be numbed to change.

This episode kinda gave me an idea of death, is this how it’s gonna be when they’re gone one day, some day? i’ve never had to wait for them, i’m always the one travelling and they’re the ones waiting for me back home. but then it’s not like i’ve not had the taste of waiting for anybody for a long time, to come back from a faraway land. And i survived that huge one already. so why does it feel so different, this time?

I’m not afraid to be alone, shop alone, eat alone, hang out alone, as I’ve done almost my whole life… some people i know are actually very afraid of that because they attach a certain stigma to it, but come on, some people are just born that way, just live that way so let them be. but this time it’s a complicated one even with awesome friends, brother, boyfriend around. I’ve always wondered how it’ll be like to be without parents when I watch those psycho movie dramas, and now I think, what the hell was I thinking?

I need jesus and I need to munch more of krispy kreme that i brought back from Aussie. Btw, I might actually want to retire there.. it’s a mix of US and Europe. Not as expensive as Europe, but with the awesome shopping likes of USA. I’m no country girl, though I find visits to the countryside immensely refreshing, cleansing, and much needed once in a long while when the city has polluted enough of us. And Aussie’s near to Asia. And they have good unemployment benefits. And they have supre, and krispy kreme- which is enough reason to move over, grow fat and die.

that said, i had awesome subway, a long walk and talk with the girls over desserts last night , after a long day of gossip girl (or pretending to study with the boy). New Zealand tmr, what adventures await?

I should begin to accept that life will not be normal, so long as I’m air-borne. Grow up, you.

It exceeded expectations. Went there expecting a chicflick, and of course there was the whole whirlwind romance thing.

But I was honestly moved when the movie let in on the frustrations of people who suffer from Parkinson’s (I wouldn’t call them patients because they’re stronger than I am), and I pictured myself as one of them and wondered if I would have been strong enough to stand up to the illness should I contract it, or any other sickness for the matter.

Storylines like these are found pretty often in shows, such that we might get numbed because they have been so commericialized; guy and girl in love, one finds out that the other’s terminally ill, what happens?

And normally, it’s the I’ll-always-be-by-your-side, I’m-forever-loving-you or Marry-her-on-the-hospital-bed-and-then-she-dies thing. But life after the death of a loved one in such films or dramas are either depicted in a single fleeting moment where in that instant the partner left behind seems miraculously self-controlled with silent tears and amazing depth for acceptance that his/her partner’s gone forever or they such scenes are completely jumped? Or they meet someone new and fall in love but like tattoo the name of his/her first love who’s now gone on whichever part of his body.

It doesn’t take first-hand experience to reason that it’s not as easy as how the movies make it to be, so I really appreciated it when Love and Other Drugs had a scene depicting this elderly guy who had a wife with Parkinson’s for years telling Jake that you know, he loves his wife but if he had to do this whole marriage thing with her again, he wouldn’t. it took away the love, the sex, robbed him of the moments, the magic. And then I wonder (yes I always wonder), what would my stand be? If I fell terminally ill, would I be selfish enough to want my partner to stand by, even if he wanted to? And then I start jogging to lead a healthier lifestyle, and stay way from bubble tea for just that while. haha.

Asides from all that, the other theme I picked out was loving the misunderstood/the underdog/the others. Okay my theory might sound really weird, but there are people who are more attractive in the mainstream manner, and those who are attractive in the not-so-conventional-manner. Anne Hathaway obviously has all the good looks, but in the movie she plays the ill yet refreshingly normal woman who’s hard to understand, who’s more than just that bit woman when she gets too crazy too many times, who’s always putting on a strong front, who’s always doing all the wrong stuff and walks on the edgier side of life and who doesn’t actually have a normal life and is also a little dark and very private. Jake on the other hand is a popular dude, who’s an awesome salesman, loves meeting people, and has tonnes of female friends, who celebrates life with a come-what-may. They are opposites, they might not always understand each other, they don’t share a normal relationship, it’s in the words unspoken (you’ll have to watch it to understand), but somehow they have this eclectic connection. It remind me of two people I know.. and people are always curious about this whole are you guys serious thing. People don’t understand, but yes they’re together alright. I’ve come quite a while in life to understand that honestly no one’s happiness matter more than your loved ones and you.

And one last, all that talk about finding your fashion identity, I love the way Anne Hathway dresses in awesome vintage pieces in the show, but I know I’ll never be able to carry all that off.

they look awesome together, eh?

Been watching gossip girl like ALOT lately, and I love love love the way Serena vdw dresses in the show. It’s SO effortless, she makes my clothes cry. (I think I mentioned this before.. Blair’s style is deliciously pretty and girly but something I know I’ll never see myself in, not that it’s a huge fall from Serena.)

Attended a close friend’s wedding recently, and she turned out awesome in a greekgoddesslike evening dress, which was shimmering diamente and a royal luscious ravishing purple Okay but the point was the wedding! Haha! Three of us had cake, bird’s nest and some juice at my house, just a little get-together near midnight, before the day of her wedding. So much fun reminiscing, so much fun thinking of what life’s gonna be for her. I can’t believe this girl I grew up with hit the altars. and she’s younger than i am!?

I’m already planning for the next move,you know, in life. Like further my studies overseas or open a zoo or something. Sometimes I feel like I’m not using my brains enough. Or this one doesn’t allow me to, and yes, I actually have brains so I had better use them before they deteriorate.

Miss mom and dad.

Johannesburg was surprisingly modern, and my perception of South Africa has been changed by the new year’s day trip. It’s definitely somewhere I wanna go back to again.. because there’s so much to see(animals).. and eat! The original Nandos and Ocean’s Basket (Fish & Co) was awesomelyyummilicious!   For some reason unknown to me, the air there was exceptionally crisp compared to Europe/USA, although the weather was just an average cool.

We went to the national park and were blessed  to be able to find the lions! Normally visitors would have to travel more as the park is so huge but the lions were few and allowed to roam wherever.Played with cubs.. I can’t believe they grow up to be such majestic creatures/fierce predators when they look so simba-innocent at such a young age. You just wanna roll on the grass with them!

Coming back to an empty house back in sg was strangely unfamiliar, even though it isn’t the first time the parents are away. After following specific tips for the wash, etc, the chores were done successfully.. Being the OCD, I wasted no time in trying to be The Mom. Getting rid of expired stuff in the fridge, tidying up the house etc even though it was right after work. Still, I actually missed them more than I thought I would. It’s the presence that counts, and the house was never just a hotel, though sometimes we take it for granted like it is.

But I honestly gained some, in having the boy back in sg. Nothing can be more surreal than having a stroll/meal with him in the heartlands.. I am still partly in awe at the length of time that has passed, and still adjusting to actually seeing him.Sometimes, in the midst of his welcome back gatherings, I stone in quiet shock that he’s back.. and there has been endless to catch up on, even a comfortable silence

Was out with hall people last night (TAP @ Orchard Towers has surprisingly a huge place to chill), and ,et the bestie tonight..seeing her after three months felt damn good, besides Thai Express @ Paragon (which had more to select from then normal meal choices @ other Thai expresses). Exchanged late Xmas presents, and we had shopping urges. Think I’m gonna hit the malls tmr, followed by a movie with him, before I’m off again! The good thing about this is you get the whole day off when you’re off and it’s not just weekends, but then it balances that when it’s time to go, it might be unearthly hours/days when you really drag your feet.

Random, but I just saw from a TV show that colourful sky lanterns (exactly like those in Rapunzel), are released annually in Taiwan, and on these lanterns are written wishes made by people. It would be beautiful indeed to see them light up the boundless sky, and countless hearts. Hello 2011, year of more blessings, love and peace! What else will you bring?

The year of so many blessings, and so many blessings-in-disguises ( I shalln’t count them bad experiences)

I think I’ve grown much in this year. I’ve made so many mistakes, but through the freedom to err is the only way I can learn. And I’ll learn to lawfully remember.

Transitions from school to work was a smooth milestone in life probably becos of a long holiday.

Independence in this job comes with a price.  You lose track of days yet you’ve got to have a perfect sense of time, you miss out on meetings and weddings, all might seem a calm and glamorous but it’s hard to explain to friends who aren’t in the same industry how harsh things can get,  you have to prioritise, you sometimes wake up wondering where the hell you are, you grow up fast, you will come to appreciate solitude, you see things you shouldn’t, you hear things you can’t imagine, you are constantly surrounded with beautiful people and you have got to keep up that confidence too, you’ve got to learn to let go in an instant, and pull yourself together because nobody’s really interested in what makes you tick.

you must be able to leave everything behind.

all in all, i thank God for every experience

and i’ve learnt something about leadership throughout the year. different leaders may have different styles of working, sure each to his own. but the best kind of leaders are those who unselfishly strive to nurture their mentees, to surpass their own capabilities, not those that feel threatened by new blood.

and I can’t believe the boy is coming back. what would it be like to see him again?

but this only means that daddy and mommy are leaving, bags are all packed. i should visit them, sometime.

hello 2011.

As much as I’d hate to admit it, there is a stark difference in the festive atmosphere when walking down the streets of Europe as opposed to maybe, orchard road, although both boast pretty christmas lighting and deco, and awesome food/shopping. I reckon it’s the weather, the wintry fashion, the snowflakes, and the pretty architecture of the buildings that really set the mood! It’s a sad pity we’d never catch up, and it makes christmas in Europe all the more special.

Personally though, I’d give up christmas in Munich for christmas in church anytime. It’s just different when we sing christmas carols together, pray, and exchange gifts of love in rememberance of this special day when Christ was born.  Special significance, to share with people who truly understand.

And spidey, if you’re reading this, I miss Deutschland mit du und Angie. Those were good times!

Permanent- David Cook

Is this the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my broken promise that you’ll never see me cry
And everything, it will surely change even if I tell you I won’t go away today
Will you think that you’re all alone
When no one’s there to hold your hand?
And all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary rest your head
I’m permanent

I know he’s living in hell every single day
And so I ask oh god is there some way for me to take his place
And when they say it’s all touch and go I wish I could make it go away
But still you say
Will you think that you’re all alone when no one’s there to hold your hand?
When all you know seems so far away and everything is temporary, rest your head
I’m permanent
I’m permanent

Is the moment where I look you in the eye?
Forgive my promise that you’ll never see me cry.

The lyrics were written by David Cook when his brother died.

Not under the same context, all I want for christmas this year is something so intangible. I guess a person-to-person relationship contains alot of history that cannot unwind, coupled with truckloads of emotional baggage that change the way we perceive the relationship itself and where it’s headed.

And over the years I’ve come to realise that I’m inhibited by this one person that means alot to me. I hardly look her in the eye when I tell her I love her, because I do but then I’ve also acknowledged the fact that I’ve been hurt by her.. now, what? so, what?

Forgiveness is a word simple to understand, yet so riddled with complexity. Complete forgiveness hardly ever comes by, from a personal perspective because we may forgive but try as we can to forget, we remember minute traces. The power to remember is God-given, can we deny that we actually remember? I still remember when I poked myself with a pilot pen when I was primary 5 and I have a pen blue tattoo now on my right eye because I didn’t wash it off and which everyone now thinks is a mole! And this is merely something trivial, what more the important things?

It is for the same complex reason why I enjoy food, why I eat so much, why I grew fat in teenage years though I did sports, why I always like a variety of food at one go, why I now only eat half of all that’s on the table unless I’m really famished, why I eat whatever I like and whatever I feel like no matter how many cancer-causing agents there are in a tapioca pearl found in bubble teas, or how many spam mails I receive telling me what’s dangerous in bubble teas which I find totally ridiculous because the damage has been done with the 99178978998908097648 bubble teas I’ve drunk and 167863377482019999264374y23897462874628746238476238746238746238746238476284762347 pearls I’ve eaten..

and why to me, it is sure as hell okay to waste food. I know for a fact that many sane, logical, insanely humane, considerate people think of Africans/ Ethiopians whenever food is wasted, but honestly? I look at all that sumptuous food and tell myself there is no use trying to finish what I can’t and I sure as hell won’t. And I really loathe it when people tell me to finish my food. This war is psychological, this war is personal.

Actually to delve deeper, as much as I love food, I’ve got a phobia of being OFFERED too MUCH food. I’ll pick what I like to eat, and I’ll eat what I like when I want to, but really thank you very much. Like, please don’t try to feed me fat.

Which is why I sometimes find myself having thoughts like  “Crap, I love my job!”. It really allows me the freedom to do whatever I like overseas, at my own timing, own pace. Relaxed is an understatement. It’s like I leave for fresh air for that little while.

How do you whole-heartedlylove someone who has hurt you? I guess this is the best question to ask my boy? Five months back in the USA when I got to see him face to face, despite the nonsense I gave him, it held me in awe everytime he looked me in the eye and said those three words. And look where we are now

So why has this hurt been so permanent? Maybe it could be that the time span has been too long, that I’m a person who values freedom so much more than the average person does, yet certain things weren’t willed to me. And these weren’t dangerous things, but normal sensible harmless things that should have been allowed to a teenage girl.

I really regret answering too, to who I’m hanging out with and wherever I’m going, because no one really welcomes change and even as an adult it’s only right then that such a tradition follows, that I being a baby darling, should let her know where I’m headed. I feel good whenever I give vague answers like “oh, friends”, but I also actually feel guilty and slightly rude if I don’t report to the details? I sometimes feel guilty if I don’t spend time at home.

Hmm.

I suddenly feel Rapunzel-ish.

I’m going to start living my life now, not in the travel all over the world kind of way, but like the I should take a stand for myself kind of way. And I’m not one bit sorry about it. It’s not like my life was boring, I don’t recall a moment when it ever was actually and I appreciate all the holidays sponsored, but I have to take a stand for myself.

Because I don’t want to be on my death bed with regrets, thinking about what I could have done 60 years back. Looking at my brother, I’m secretly glad that rebellious streak has allowed him to live his life not in the shadow of someone else’s. Even as a young adult who has to start minding her language, I wish I had the ability to say ridiculous things that I don’t mean and not feel guilty about.

I don’t know what’s real sometimes. Little Mermaid’s OST, the one she sang in her treasure trove.. the lyrics go something like “Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat, wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete? Wouldn’t you think I’m a girl, a girl who has everything?”

In spite of all the gifts I’m showered with through her attitude of pure sincerity, not quite.  Well, that’s her language of love for one, but on my part I wished I was able to love her more than I do now.

So cliche, but the most beautiful things in this world really cannot be seen with the naked eye, but are felt with the heart.

I guess learning to love her more and more is a long way home, and she has got to learn to let me (and my brother) go.

A cuppa Koi, for now.

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t crazy.

The moment we ended work, we  left our luggages at the hotel and spontaneously took a plane to the island of Santorini (the most beautiful island in Greece) ! On our own tab of course. Anyway, it was a most rocky ride and I sure was glad I was seated as a passenger! :0

Blue and White buildings greeted us, and others were a sandy pink. It was already nightfall and freezing, so we headed for dinner which was an array of grecian/greek food in a quaint and well-decorated restaurant with a fireplace to warm. Quiet live music was played and I really loved the ambience. The highlight of course, was the famous fried baby calamaris with tomatoes so fresh and juicy

We found a random hotel to stay, one of their rooms was gorgeous! and breakfast was a simple affair. Checked out, rented a car and toured the island, stopping at various scenic cliffs and spots. Truly breathtaking, I can almost imagine a scene of Pirates of the Carribean or Troy with warships in all their glory mounting the black sea.

Flew back to Athens on another choppy choppy Aegean Airlines ride. and we climbed the Acropolis the next day. Famed ruins of Greece – a must see! Greek gelato, shopping around, and dinner of gyros and souvlaki coupled with hot chocolate (I think I had this like thrice on the trip). I must say that I really love the graffiti in Europe countries, though the same can’t be said if I saw graffiti here. Just a different feel I guess?

Oh fyi, Greek coffee is to me an acquired taste. First, suck the honey-like sweet and then drink the coffee. A little too diluted for my liking, though I’m not a coffee fan anyway. Tea ftw!

I felt like my tummy was bulging since we had the hotel’s buffet twice for breakfast! Waffles with maple syrup and nutella are still my favourite, yummy! And besides the usual of smoked salmon, salami, breadrolls and danish pastries, there was a variety of Greek yogurt selection to try – berries, pineapple, grapefruit and of course honey yogurt. After a while, their famous honey yogurt’s a little too sweet for my liking.

The best part of our short stay Greece however, was the people I travelled with. Jovial and friendly, there were no inhibitions or hierarchy, we were like a family and I really felt like a baby with everyone’s concern i.e. when I had minor cramps.  We were very well taken care of and I am really impressed as I got to know about the guys’ work, as I have always been puzzled by how they do it.

It was so awesome, so fun, and a very rare occasion at that. For a long long time, I haven’t laughed so much before.This trip made me believe again, that there are actually kind, sincere people out here in this… realm of things.  The long hours of work that followed was no pressure at all and I had room to learn as they guided me. There was even a compliment from a client for all of us, and random funny letters I received kept me chuckling. It’s so ridiculous – clients really know how to make our day! I guess our smiles really shone through because the team effort was awesome and never once did I felt that our spirits were down even though the hours were long. It was just people helping people.

And back in SG, Shangrila’s The Line Buffet was waiting  – an early birthday dinner with my family, before Dad leaves again. It was awesome ambience and excellent service.

How very very blessed I am.

I bought this Canon photo printer because…

I love gadgets that come in a simple beige-white.

(So I can decorate them after?)

I honestly don’t know where I can find photo printing services.

I really need a photo printer.

I need a photo printer.

I need a white photo printer?

Okay.  This is not working.

I’ve been struggling with my inner demons for the past 3 months, on what lappie I should get, since my 1st generation Sony Vaio died.. I shalln’t elaborate on its death. (No it wasn’t negligence on my part. Not really anyway.)

Yes I know about THE IT fairs.
No, I didn’t participate in IT fairs whatsoever, because I was giving myself time to think. Apple vs Fujitsu/Sony. Fujitsu because I somehow really like their white so pressable keyboards, their battery life.

Sony because plain to see, I love how their lappies look, especially the newer ones, and yes my pink lappie of 3 years added a few ounces of happiness to my daily life. My day honestly brightens, just by looking at it.

Anyway, after advice from all over, I decided on giving Apple a chance despite knowing that I’ll have to give myself time to familiarise with the OS. Installing Windows OS would sadly only be my last resort, because it would be plain pathetic to use Windows on a Mac! Anyhow, still unknown to myself, I’m secretly an Apple fan.. having had some of their products already. Shh.

After  spending countless days brooding and mind you I mean deep in thought, I decided that YES this WAS gonna be the DAY.

After 4 long hours at Funan mall..

Air’s specs are just plain sucky! The lady told me I can’t play SIMS on it (well I dont play SIMS, but much less dota!??!?!?!) But omg it looks SO good, SO sleek, SO foldable, SO envelop-able. Yet, It’s not like my lappie is going anywhere with me.. nope I”m not bringing it around and chucking it here there everywhere in my luggage.

Pro.. alright better than Air but what is up with their black keyboard and black screen border? You can’t expect me to wake up to a black keyboard day in day out! It looks so boringgggggggg. And the price is near the pretty Air’s.

Macbook… Okay sheesh I love the white. But it’s like, so phased-out. So yesterday? And it’s price range is close to Pro’s.

oh wait.. what’s that…a Canon photo printer?? Wow…It’s really handy and awesome!

It’s mine

…….So I ended with non-achieved objectives. Talk about focus pocus.

P/S: The photoprinter has an awesome print in smooth skin setting